The Fisherman

As a child, I loved picking up new hobbies. I possessed­—frankly, still do— this one fatal flaw, though; I despised beginning. The starting process of picking up a new hobby, being a beginner, I loathed it. I always wanted to just skip right past the rough start, leap over the learning curve and become a master. I think it’s the waiting that really kills me, this pit in my stomach, a classic anxiety sourced in doubt and impatience and unfulfillment. Maybe it was all just the fear of failure and a fear of overcoming my fears thereafter. We grow comfortable in our flaws after all. And comfortable I did in fact grow, as my fatal flaw followed me well past childhood.

I didn’t realize just how much of an evil force comfort was. Not until recently. Consider a fisherman with the same flaw. Do you think he’d make a living if he woke every morning and gave into the fear that he may just cast his net and come back with an empty pail? To evade something out of fear of its worst outcome, no matter how plausible the worst outcome may be, is the most imprisoning behavior I have ever put myself through. Granted, there are exceptions to this, but I trust that my reader will understand this thought process does not stand for times where the worst possible outcome is too costly.

I’ve pondered that perhaps I just never wanted something enough. And that is comfort too, I suppose. But, I consider this possibility because it is not until recently I’ve come across desires worthy of abandoning my comfort. Maybe I’m just braver now than I was as a child. Maybe I’ve outgrown my fear, which I doubt. See, the fear still comes. At first the fear was still rampant. A fear that not only will my net and pail turn up empty, but that I’ll once more lose them to the current. A fear that I’ll be lost at sea. A fear so strong I won’t even be able to fathom the idea of entering a ship again. These fears slowly vanished. I don’t hear most of them anymore, and the desire for fish more easily defeats my concerns.

I might’ve just found a really good fishing spot, though.